


Life Goes On

by dontbecruelx



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Comfort Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Post Battle To Retake Wall Maria, Power Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, The months between, Top Eren Yeager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27981141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontbecruelx/pseuds/dontbecruelx
Summary: How many days had it been again? Or maybe it had even been weeks? Months? Levi wasn’t sure. All he knew was that there were nine. And he’d made a promise that he was sure he’d keep. Even if he died doing it.Are you going to leave me, too?
Relationships: Levi & Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 27
Kudos: 186





	1. Like an arrow in the blue sky

**Author's Note:**

> HHHHH I've been really wanting to start an SNK piece for so long but had no idea how to do it... until today! I hope you'll stick with me.

How many days had it been again? Or maybe it had even been weeks? Months? Levi wasn’t sure. All he knew was that there were nine. And he’d made a promise that he was sure he’d keep. Even if he died doing it.  _ Do I care if I die? Hange is an excellent commander. Armin will…  _

It would have hurt more. It would have ripped him apart if he let himself feel it. But he didn’t. There was so much additional information, but he was more confused than he’d ever been. The world was bigger than he could ever have imagined coming from the underground cities. It was so much more… wicked. He’d experienced more pain than most. But he would never say that. He’d never take away from his comrades' family. 

Never take away from  _ him.  _

The mere thought led him to opening another bottle. Wall Maria was quiet. It would take a long time to rebuild what had been taken by the warriors so many years before. It was so quiet he could only hear his own thoughts. Running and running and running until the bottle was empty, and he smiled a weak, fake smile to the moon. It was so quiet he could listen to the breeze between the buildings, and he could sit and look up at the moon's beauty without interruption.

“Captain?” At least that’s what he thought. __

Eren stumbled into the alleyway and slumped down next to him. “Hiding?” 

He let his body fall back against the cold bricks of what was once someone’s home. But they were dead. Then again, the more Levi thought about it, the more a part of all of them had died over the years. He’d watched the light disappear from so many people’s eyes. In both senses. When they lost hope. And when they were killed. 

The answers seemed to get further away, and he was trying to remind himself of why he was even there. Why he’d made the choices he had. Why he’d chosen to trust his comrades, and that they’d died because of it. Again. And again. And again. But he wasn’t special. Everyone had lost someone they loved. Is that what it was? Love? He never said anything. I wonder. But they couldn’t stop just because it broke them. They had to get up and fight every single day for their freedom, even when they were down to single digits. Even if he wasn’t there to guide them any more. 

“Have you ever known me to hide from anything?” The next bottle was easier to open. Slid down his throat easier. Handed to Eren without a second thought. 

“Thanks.”

And they sat in silence, looking up at the stars. The cold air sobering in a way, but letting Levi drift further away from reality in another. 

In his feeble attempts to clear his mind, he’d been watching Eren more than usual. He was different. He had been since they’d been to Shiganshina. Then again… They all had. Nobody returned from the ocean the same as when they left. Then he remembered. It was like that with every expedition beyond the wall. You either come back a different person or don’t come back at all. That was just how it went. And he was always willing to let it go, let go whatever he had to go get the job done. Even if it meant supporting the plan that ensured his certain death. Even if he’d never get to see him again. Even if his last breaths would haunt him until the day he took his own. He always did what had to be done. 

Levi sighed and brought his knees up to his chest, but Eren was handing him the bottle and smiling the same fake smile. It made his stomach turn. “You’re drunk.”

Eren sucked in a sharp breath. “So are you.”

“Mm.”

Words he wasn’t expecting broke the silence. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Doesn’t Armin have the answer this time?” Levi took another long mouthful.  _ Armin… _

Eren held out his hand until he reluctantly handed him the bottle. “No one does. I don’t even think I hold it in my memories.”

“Me either.”

“You’re not a shifter.” 

“Right.”

They sat in silence for the longest time. And the next day when Levi woke up in an unfamiliar building, he realised the night before was the first time he hadn’t felt completely alone since they returned. He didn’t want to go back to wall Rose. He didn’t want to go back to… What was it again? He scrubbed his face and sat forward.  _ Where is he? _ But just as the thought crossed his mind and his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw a green cape in the doorway, the wings of freedom printed boldly on the back. And just as quickly as he saw it. It was gone. He was gone. 

It became a habit rather quickly. Perhaps it shouldn’t have. Levi would find a spot, and Eren would come to find him. Sometimes he would bring something to drink, other times they would share Levi’s… _ his _ old wine stash. He saw no sense in keeping it and had been nursing a bottle or two every night since they returned. It was easier to sleep that way. They’d sit in silence and watch the sky. Watch the sky within Wall Maria without the fear of being devoured at any moment for the first time in so many years. Or in Levi’s case, without having to be ready to kill at any moment. 

Eren was starting to slur his words and saying things he shouldn’t be saying. But then again, so was Levi. And who was anyone to judge them? Not that anyone was around for miles. 

“So this is what’s become of us, huh?” Eren smiled. It was fake. 

“Who would have thought.” Levi threw up air quotes. “Humanities strongest… resorted to drinking with you.”

Eren scowled. “That’s harsh. You’re lucky to have me.”

“Yeah.”

“So shut up and drink.”

Levi snatched the bottle that was being handed to him. “Watch your tone…” 

Eren cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

“Idiot. Anyway, how come Mikasa hasn’t come to find you?” Another sweet mouthful.  _ Ah. _

“I kissed her.” The words were barely audible. And for some reason Levi didn’t want to look at Eren in that moment. 

“Did you like it?”  _ Ah, the stars are nice. _

It was silent for a long time after that. “I just wanted to feel something.”

“Did you feel something?” _ Hm.  _

“No. I had to apologise. But I don’t think she saw it romantically anyway, so I got off lucky. She’ll be okay.”

“She didn’t hit you?” Levi smiled.

“She hasn’t hit me in a while. Thank God.”

“I’m going back to Wall Rose tomorrow.” Levi blurted out. 

“I’ll go with you. We’ve been hiding out here long enough.” 

Levi sighed, the sweet flavour of summer berries gliding down his throat. “Yet I still have no idea how to proceed.”

Eren flopped his head on his shoulder. It would have startled Levi. He would have pushed him off. He should have pushed him off. But he didn’t. 

And Eren laughed, burying his face into his neck. “We’re hopeless.”

“Hange and Armin…”  _ Ah, I’m slurring too.  _

“I believe in them.”  _ Do you? _

“Me too.”  _ Do I? He did… _

Eren remained like that for a long time, and all Levi could do was feel the sensations burning through his body when Eren’s breath hit his neck. 

It hurt. 

Did it hurt?

  
  


“... tain?”

_ Huh? _

“Captain?” 

And then there was a warm hand on his cheek and he’d never felt more awake and sober in his entire life. His eyes snapped open and there he was. Big eyes looking into his. 

He laughed. “Just as dead as mine.”

“What?”

Levi staggered to his feet. “Nothing.”

“Let’s go home.” Eren breathed, wrapping an arm around his waist. 

He snapped. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to rip his arm from his body and pin him against the wall, breathing fiery breaths against his face, their noses only inches apart. 

“You’re getting too bold, Titan.” He growled out through gritted teeth.  _ Please don’t.  _

“I-I’m sorry. Come on… We’re both drunk. Let’s go.” 

Then Levi let his head fall onto his chest. Eren’s thundering heart the only thing he could hear. 

_ Are you going to leave me, too? _


	2. Life goes on like this again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanna go kill them?

Returning to Wall Rose was… Strange. The barracks seemed… Empty. Everything did. Levi did. And even though Levi wasn’t even sure where he was anymore, or what he was dying. He noticed things. He noticed Eren. How different he was. How distant he was.  _ We’re more alike than I first thought… _ But he had work to do, and he had done his duty since the day Erwin took Levi’s own blade between his palm. 

He found it hard to work alongside the scouts. For the first time since he joined. He laughed to himself one night, remembering how out of place he’d felt when he’d first joined, but how Erwin was always at his side. Always with him. Telling him it was okay to trust his squad. Telling him he could make a difference in the world. Showing him the sky, the sun and how the birds flew over the wall without a care in the world. And he’d sigh, remembering his people. His people he’d lost along the way. The people he’d sacrificed for the good of humanity. Yet there he had stood, his feet almost touching the ocean, feeling more alone than he had in his entire life. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to forget that moment. 

Things were busy, almost busier than it had ever been. They had so much to do, and what seemed like so little time to do it. Wall Maria needed to be wiped of titans as soon as possible, and Hange had come up with the perfect way to do it. But Levi watched Eren. The Eren he had known for so long turned into someone completely different, unlike the person he’d known since he was but a child who had the ability to do what at the time seemed like the impossible. 

“The executioner from hell.” Eren slurred.

Levi remembered the night she’d presented the plans to him. She sprinted downstairs and burst open the door to his room without even knocking, and she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Eren flopped back on Levi’s bed. But her gaze snapped back to Levi almost immediately. “Sorry to interrupt!” She beamed. “Actually, no, I’m not! Look at this!” 

“Zooeeeeeeee, you’re a genius.” Eren beamed, wrapping his arms around her neck. 

“That’s commander to you, dumbass.” Levi smacked him around the back of the head and he slumped back onto the bed. 

“Yes, sir.” He pouted.

“Uh! Anyway!” She jumped to her feet.  _ Always so energetic…  _ “I’ll leave you to it!” She winked at Levi and slammed the door behind her. 

_ That little… _

Eren got to his knees and sighed. “Ow.”

“You deserved it. You’re lucky she didn’t hit you. You wouldn’t have been able to walk.” Levi scowled and held out his hand for him to take. He didn’t know why he was doing it, though. “And who said you could get my bed dirty?”

Eren looked down at his pyjamas… And Levi’s eyes followed. He swallowed down hard. 

“But I just showered.” Eren moaned. “Let me lie down again, they questioned me all day.”

“You poor thing.” Levi pulled him to his feet. “Maybe you should go back to your own room.”

Then it went quiet. 

Eren stayed still. Hand still intertwined with Levi’s. “I don’t want to.” But he wouldn’t look at him. 

_ Shit.  _ Levi let go of his hand and sighed. “Just don’t take up all the space.”

He’d barely finished his sentence when Eren took off his slippers and got under his blankets. “It’s not like you need much room.” He mumbled. 

“Shit talk me again and you can fuck off.” Levi scowled, blowing out the candle. “Budge over.”

Eren quickly fell asleep curled around Levi, but he remained awake all night, listening to his quiet, slow breaths. Somehow it relaxed him, but he still couldn’t drift away, and by the time Eren woke up the next morning, Levi was already gone. 

* * *

Levi sighed and slumped back in his chair. “Hange always comes up with the weirdest shit… Hand me the bottle.”

Eren did as he was told, leaning over and passing him the whiskey. They’d quickly worked their way through the wine and moved onto whatever else they could find. 

“It’s working though.” Eren said. “She said it will only take a few months.”

_ His eyes… _ He couldn’t not notice. Eyes that had once shone so brightly now almost faded away, bags prominent under his eyes. But what was stranger is the time he had been spending with Levi. And the fact that Levi hadn’t turned him away. He kept approaching him with a bottle to drink, as though he knew what he was going through. As though he had lost something, too. They all had. But they kept going. And Levi thought he would, too. Eren as well. But they didn’t. Eren came to his room, and they’d sit at a small table by his window and drink the night away. Sometimes they wouldn’t talk at all, and sometimes Eren had a hard time keeping his mouth shut once he’d had his third drink. But it was okay because Levi could drink for days and still kill a titan with his eyes closed. And Eren… no matter how much he had to drink, if it came down to it, he could snap back to reality in a moment. Levi saw that the night Armin came to him, tears streaming down his cheeks after he’d woken up from a dream of someone else’s memories that made his heart ache. Eren slammed his glass down on the table quicker than Levi had ever seen it and was at Armin’s side in seconds. Consoling him. Wiping stray strands of hair from his face.  _ He knows what it’s like…  _

Levi didn’t sleep that night. Seeing Eren hold Armin. Seeing Armin cry, again. And the way Mikasa looked at him with… what seemed like an expression of knowing, when she took Armin’s hand and led him back to his room. But Eren remained with him. Levi half expected her to scowl at him, but she didn’t. She just left them. And Eren sat back and took a long sip of his drink once more.

“It still happens to me.” He sighed.

But Levi just looked out of the window into the darkness. “I know.” 

Eren’s head fell back, and he looked up at the ceiling. Sucking in a long, slow breath, he stretched his legs out and crossed them over each other. “It makes you feel like a different person…” He closed his eyes. “Like you’re not yourself.” Then he sat forward and looked at Levi. “I don’t even know what memories are mine anymore.” He smiled and heaved a weak laugh. He held out his hands in front of him. “And now…”

And Levi looked at him. 

“Will you go back?” The words came out on their own. He didn’t mean to say it. Maybe it was the alcohol. He didn’t know.  _ Don’t tell me. _

“I don’t know.” He looked away quickly. “There’s…”

“Something else.” Levi finished the sentence for him. 

“Yeah.” Eren laughed. “Wanna go kill them?”

But he just sighed and sat back himself, watching a brown moth flutter around the lantern he’d hung by the window. “We’re fucked if you die.”

“I think the same applies to you, captain.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Your comments make my day! <3


	3. How long do I have to wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh! So now you’re on about Jean?”
> 
> “Eh.” Maybe he smiled again. 

Soon time started to blur more than it ever had before. There was so much work to do. Everyone was so busy. Of course they were. Somehow they managed to stay on their feet because Levi and Eren had developed a drinking habit. And not just alcohol. Tea too. It wasn’t a bad thing. It made the nights shorter. Let Levi see Eren smile a little. Only sometimes, though. And maybe occasionally Levi would smile too. 

They’d talk about anything and everything all night long. Sometimes it would seem like they were putting the world to rights. Others, just talking shit. But it made it hurt less. Maybe.

Levi never slept to begin with. So it only got worse when they returned from Shiganshina. Sometimes they’d fall asleep on chairs. On the couch. Or passed out on Levi’s bed. Lying awake feeling nothing but the heat of each other’s bodies and listening to quiet breaths in the dead of night. Candle flickering.  _ Across the sea…  _

Eren started to… seem happier. He spent more time with Mikasa and Armin again. Along with those he grew up with in the 104th. But he couldn’t shake that feeling in his gut. That something horrible was going to happen. 

He would scold Mikasa for pushing herself so hard all the time and “You need to sleep more! 2 hours a night doesn’t cut it.”

Mikasa looked blankly at him. “But I need to be up for patrol. Obviously.”

Armin would say he did exactly the same thing. “You’re the one out doing crazy stuff all the time, Eren.” 

“Maniac.” 

Connie sighed. “Don't start, Jean.”

They would laugh. Talk about the past. The others would smile and laugh along too. Fighting over one thing or another. They’d talk about what they’d lost. Levi noticed Eren didn’t say much. He didn’t either. But it was always filled with love. They still had that. Even after burying so many. Even after losing so much. They still had hope. Sasha still smiled. Connie still laughed. Jean had developed a weird complex of wanting to please him and Hange. He was actually a pretty nice guy. 

Levi was jealous. 

And he thought maybe, just maybe, Eren was too. 

Because something still wasn’t quite right. Eren was still different somehow. And Levi wasn’t the only one that had noticed. 

Then again, everyone has changed so much over a brief span of time. They had to. Those who were young and inexperienced had to grow up quickly. Those older and more skilled had to be ready to get up and go to war again. Without hesitation. 

_ How much longer… _

But spending time with Eren when he beamed a bright smile at Levi and boasted about how far they’d come. For a while, he’d stopped talking like that. Hell, Levi didn’t even remember the last time he’d mentioned freedom. How many nights they’d sat up talking...

“I love that.” Eren flopped back on Levi’s bed. As had become a habit.  _ I’ve given up with you…  _

Levi sat back and crossed his legs, nursing his tea. “Love what?”

He sighed. “The time we’ve spent together.”

He froze. But Eren couldn’t see. 

“You say that as though it’s coming to an end.”

He could tell Eren was smiling by the tone of his voice. “No.” He chirped. 

That was the end of the discussion. 

Drinking less alcohol meant consuming a lot more tea. 

_ Yet somehow it’s still pleasant.  _

He wasn’t sure when it happened. Perhaps when they burned through every bottle, they could get their hands on. Or maybe when things… 

Nights alone with Eren became relaxing. 

“You’re tolerable,” Levi admitted. Sitting forward in his chair. Maybe he even smiled a little. 

“Just tolerable?” Eren scowled. “I’m here almost every night.” 

“Because you’re tolerable.”  _ Perhaps.  _

“Well… what about the others?!”

“Eh.”

“Eh? Well, tolerable is better than ‘eh’ I guess…”

“Just be thankful I even let you all in here… so much mess.” Levi pinched his brow. 

Eren crossed his arms over his chest and poured. “At least I clean up after myself.” 

“Jean does too.”

“Oh! So now you’re on about Jean?”

“Eh.” Maybe he smiled again. 

Eren let his head fall onto the table. “I can’t believe this.” 

“Jealous?”

And Eren was smiling. “Eh. Maybe.”

Levi would lie awake at night wondering what was going through Eren’s mind. Well, everyone's. He was fascinating, to say the least. But also… terrifying. For the first time ever, he could use that phrase to describe him. Eren had left something in Shiganshina. And come back a different person. His memories. Everything changed. He was pushing forward again. Pushing forward for freedom. 

Since the day he left that basement, he’d never been the same. 

But Levi wanted to be there to see what happened. And he thought with Eren by his side he could...

Sometimes they got impatient. Clearing the wall of titans was a lot of work. Some still roamed aimlessly miles and miles away from Wall Maria. 

The executioner from hell was working. But slowly. 

“We should go.” Eren said one night. 

“No.”  _ Don’t.  _

Eren sat forward. His breath almost hitting Levi’s face from across the table. “We don’t have to fight.” 

“And I’d rather do that when we actually stand a chance.” 

Eren sat back and straightened his clothes. Looking as though he was contemplating something Levi didn’t and would never understand. “You’re right.” 

He didn’t bring it up again. That night when Eren left, he sat up in his bed, breathing ragged. Panic searing through him. Vivid images flashing through his mind.  _ He can’t mention shit like that to me. I can’t…  _ With every fibre of his being.  _ With every fibre of my being, I want to slaughter that fucking beast. Right now. Yesterday. A month ago.  _ He closed his eyes. Took a deep breath and tried to calm down.  _ He… but he wouldn’t want me to do it like this. Would he?  _

Another deep breath. He brought his knees up to his chest. Noting a dull ache in his leg.  _ I wonder how much longer I’ll even be able to keep this shit up for… I’m not young like them.  _

_ But I’m… _

_ What am I again? _

“You’d know what to do.” Levi slumped back in bed. A stray tear escaping one of his eyes. He held his hand up to the ceiling. “I wish you were here.” And gripped at nothing in the darkness. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Your comments make my day and motivate me to continue. Happy Holidays! Stay safe. <3


	4. To see you, to feel you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want us to be free.

Levi almost forgot. Almost forgot that Eren had barely reached the cusp of adulthood. Sometimes he’d think he was the same age as him. Sometimes he’d forget his age completely. It was rare birthdays were celebrated, anyway. And age didn’t matter in a world where survival was the primary objective at all times. He’d almost forgotten until after they’d stopped drowning their sorrows in alcohol, and one night he was reading an old book from Erwin when he heard a gentle tap on his door and then a loud thud. 

He hesitated for a moment before he got up. He knew there was only one person it would be. Unless Hange had come up with another insane but amazing idea in the middle of the night. People had learned to leave Levi alone at night. He barely slept as it was, let alone when there were interruptions. He’d scolded Hange multiple times, telling her it could have easily waited until the morning. They were all always up at the crack of dawn, anyway. By the time he’d gotten to the door, he could hear frantic breaths. It sent shivers running through his body. He flung the door open to find Eren collapsed at his feet, trying to ground himself, anything, while his breathing overtook him. While panic consumed his entire being.

He gasped for air. “C-captain.” 

Levi knew what to do. He got down onto his knees. Noting the twinge of pain in his leg that never seemed to leave and held out his hand. “Come inside.” He said. “Lets calm you down.”

Eren stuttered and struggled until Levi pulled him up to his feet and slipped an arm around his back. 

“I-I-I…” But no words came out. He couldn’t get that breath. _Fuck… he’s having a panic attack._

He got him inside as quickly as he could and sat him down on a chair by the window before opening it, the cold air quickly filling the room and creating a blow through. 

“Eren.” He got down on his level again. But Eren just shook his head, sucking in breaths again and again that he couldn’t seem to catch. He looked down at his hands, held out before him, trembling. Levi noticed then that his entire body was shaking.

“Eren!” He put a hand on both of his knees. “Look at me!” 

He shook his head, trying to bring himself back to reality, chasing a breath he couldn’t catch no matter how hard he tried. 

It made something twinge deep inside Levi’s chest. _Shit… How do I do this…_

“Eren.” He stroked his thighs gently. “I need you to take some deep breaths for me.” And then he looked up at him. As if he put his life in his hands. “Y-yeah.” Tears streamed down his cheeks. 

“Okay.” Levi adjusted himself slightly. “In through the nose.” He said. He did it himself, and Eren copied him. “Out through the mouth.” And they both exhaled. 

Eren’s body continued to shake. His legs were restless, bouncing up and down, but Levi didn’t try to stop it. He just rubbed circles into his thighs, held his knees lightly. He didn’t want to put pressure on him. He didn’t know the best way to ease his anxiety. Some people like to be touched, for others it just made it worse. It was just something he’d learned from a long time ago. Before he’d seen the sun. Before he’d seen a bird for the first time. 

“Again.” And they both took a long breath in. “Hold it for a second.” 

He was sure he’d never used such a soft tone. Or if he had, it was so long ago he could hardly remember. 

“Can you feel the breeze?” He said. “Isn’t the cold air nice? Look out the window.” 

So he did. And the stars glowed in the dark sky. 

He kept taking deep breaths, until Levi noticed them start to calm, and soon, he was able to catch the breath he’d lost. 

“I’m getting you some water.” Levi said. “Keep breathing.” 

He was sure he’d never fetched anyone anything so quickly in his life. When he returned, Eren’s breathing was back to normal, but he sat with his head in his hands, and he wept. 

“Eren…” _Shit…_ “Drink this.” 

Eren didn’t even look up. “I don’t know what to do.” 

He got down on his knees again. “Hey. Look at me.” He didn’t expect it, but he listened. 

Bright tear-stained eyes looked up at him. And in that moment Levi wanted to cry, too. “Drink this and then we can talk.”

“Okay.” He held out a shaky hand, and Levi guided him as he took little sips and closed his eyes. He watched the way his throat moved as he swallowed. 

Eren looked at him with such desperation. “I don’t want to sleep anymore.” 

“I know.” 

“I don’t know what to do with these memories… With the attack titan…” He took another drink. “Fighting for freedom.” He sucked some more breaths until he caught the one that filled his lungs just right. “I don’t want to stay still. I can’t stay still.” 

“You can’t leave now.” Levi was touching him again. He didn’t know why. Light, gentle touches on his knees. “We need to be ready.”

“I am ready!” Eren roared. Then he shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to me.” Levi got up and brushed down his knees. “You never have to be sorry for telling me how you really feel.” 

“I can’t stay still.”

“I know.” _Please don’t…_

“I need to go to Marley.”

“I know.” _Not yet…_

“We’re…” He sighed. “I want us to be free.”

“I know.” _Don’t leave me yet._

He shook his head. It wasn’t the time to be thinking about himself. It wasn’t the time to think about his own agenda. _Hah… I’m turning into him. Making everything all about me and what I want… What I need._

“Do you want to sleep here?” _It doesn’t matter if I don’t sleep._

Eren wiped his tears. “Only if you stay.”

“When have I ever left?” _When will you leave?_

He could have sworn Eren almost smiled. “True.” 

_He’s taking tomorrow off._ He just couldn’t tell him because he’d panic more. But he was in no fit state. Levi started to panic himself while he watched Eren sink into his sheets and bury himself in the pillows. _I can’t trust that he… He’s going to… I don’t know what he’s going to do. And that’s what’s been driving me insane all this time. I know now. I have no control over what he does._

_He is the coordinate._

_He is the attack titan._

_He holds more power than I could ever…_

Levi watched Eren’s chest rise and fall as his breathing slowed down and he fell into a sleep filled with dreams he was sure he wished he could escape. But he couldn’t. So Levi pulled up a chair next to the bed and watched him. He held out his hand. Hesitating. Taking a deep breath before he wiped wet strands of hair from Eren's forehead. For some reason he didn’t know, he found himself stroking Eren’s hair until he finally stopped crying in his sleep. Until his eyes stopped moving. Until he finally escaped his nightmares. 

He yawned. But he wasn’t tired. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you… Just… Don’t run away yet.”

Maybe, just maybe, Eren heard him from his slumber. 

He sighed. “I don’t know what I would do.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for looking! Your comments make my day and encourage me to continue doing what I love. <3


	5. A time when everything is new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No… Yes… I don’t know. 

Levi wasn’t sure what happened after that. Eren changed, even more so than he had before, and even faster. It was like he could flip a switch and turn into a different person all together. That morning when he woke up with Levi at his bedside, he smiled. Thanked him for always being there for him. Thanked him for always being there. Always trusting in him. Despite everything. 

It left a sour taste in Levi’s mouth. He thought it was just bad coffee, though. 

Until Eren showed up at his door at midnight, holding four bottles of wine in hand and a timid smile. A smile Levi hadn’t seen before. And flushed cheeks that made him feel things he hadn’t felt for a long, long time. Not since him. Not since he swore he’d never love another. 

“Can I come in?” Eren smiled. “I come bearing gifts!”

“Two each?” Levi teased. 

“Of course.” 

“Get in here.” Levi grabbed him by the arm and led him inside to their usual spot at the table by the window. Overlooking the rest of the town. 

“You know… You’re lucky I put up with you.” Levi poured them both a glass. “You’re a pain in my ass.” 

Eren took a long mouthful of the sweet wine. “That’s not what you said last night.” 

And Levi almost choked on his drink. “You heard that?” 

Eren laughed and leaned over the table. He was almost touching noses with him. “Yes. You want me to stay with you?” 

_ Yes.  _

“No. You could fuck off tomorrow and I wouldn’t care.” 

So Eren sat back again. “Oh, really? Then I just might.”

_ Don’t…  _

“I’m kidding,” He continued. “I think, anyway.” 

Levi sat back and crossed his legs. “You’re hilarious. You know I won’t come and get your body, right?”

“That’s nasty.” 

“Your choice.” 

Eren sat forward again, but Levi remained still. “What else is my choice?” He beamed. His eyes glowed brighter than they had for a long time. It shook Levi to his core. 

Eyes the colour of fresh grass. 

Of leaves on a summer's day. 

The brightest emerald. 

_ What the fuck is he doing…  _

Levi sighed. “It’s your life, Eren. Not mine.” 

“In that case…” Eren grabbed Levi by the arm and yanked him up, pulling him away from the table so they stood toe to toe. He was so close. So impossibly close when he tilted Levi’s chin up with his hand and leaned in close, so close that Levi could feel his breath against his face. He smelled like berries. 

“What about this?” He breathed against his lips. And Levi steadied himself, gripping his shirt. 

“I won’t stop you.” He said. 

And then Eren surged forward. He wrapped an arm around Levi's waist and pulled him into his chest. He was so hot. But then again, he was a titan, so it made sense. He didn’t let go of his chin, tilting it even more so Levi had no choice but to get onto his tiptoes. 

“Are you sure?” He said when he gripped his waist harder and arched his back upwards. 

Levi smiled a wicked smile, exposing his sharp, dazzling white teeth. “Sounds like you’re the one who isn’t sure.” He breathed, leaning forward just enough to graze their lips together. 

He was sure Eren snapped in that moment because his lips were on his in what Levi was sure was the most demonically passionate kiss he had ever experienced in his life. He couldn’t help but melt into him when Eren licked a trail along his bottom lip, asking to be invited inside. Of course, he let him, for reasons he didn’t know, and their tongues intertwined together and became one. Their sweet saliva mixed together. Their tongues and teeth clashed in an inhuman display of affection and need. A need he was sure had been there for a long time. 

Eren didn’t stop kissing him. He wouldn’t stop. It was desperate, as though he thought Levi would disappear at any moment. And Levi didn’t stop either, because he felt the exact same way. 

Eren pushed him down onto the bed. How they got there, Levi didn’t know. 

But his tongue was trailing down his neck and Levi was gripping his shirt and pulling it up over his head. 

Eren ripped his shirt open, exposing Levi’s chest and ran his hands all over him, delicately brushing his nipples, his ribcage, his stomach, his hipbones. 

“You’re incredible.” He said. 

At that moment, Levi believed him. 

He couldn’t help but arch his back upwards when Eren put a hand underneath him and guided him back to his mouth, their bare chests flush together. Eren’s tongue was gentle, so gentle that when he kissed and licked his way down his neck, going over every inch of his flesh, it sent shivers running through his entire body. 

He got comfortable between Levi’s legs. He breathed him in, tracing his tongue over every inch of flesh he could reach while Levi could only fist his hair and try to bear down onto the bed. 

“You taste so sweet.” Eren said. 

“Shut up.” Was all he could muster through ragged breaths. 

He settled on Levi’s hip bones, pushing his thighs apart so he could settle between them. He kissed his hipbones, then lower, and lower, until, “You’re hard.” Eren let his head fall into his lap. 

“Are you going to do something about it?” Levi breathed. 

“Is that what you want?” He ran his hands up his thighs. 

_ No… Yes… I don’t know.  _

But the words came out on their own. “Yes.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Your comments mean the absolute world to me and encourage me to continue! <3


	6. The beat slips off by a bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't stop it.

Things started to blur, and quickly. Eren was all-consuming. He’d changed so much. Learned to take control. Levi wasn’t sure if he liked that. Until his pants were down and Eren’s face was buried between his legs. Licking him everywhere he could reach, up and down, up and down. 

“You’re already hard.” Eren breathed, taking his cock in his hand. 

Levi moaned. “Shut up.” 

And that was it. Eren lapped up the pre-cum and traced his tongue all over him. It was almost too much. Almost enough to make him want to cum. But he didn’t. He fisted Eren’s hair. “Stop playing.” He growled out through gritted teeth. “Do it already.” 

Eren took him down with ease. And Levi saw stars. 

His hair was as soft as silk, perfect to pull and tug on. To push him down further. To chase and chase and chase until he was finally cumming down Eren’s throat. 

He couldn’t catch the breath he lost, no matter how he tried. But before he’d even had a chance to think, Eren was unbuckling his belt and  _ fuck. It’s huge.  _

Eren looked at him in a way he’d never seen before. “I want you more than anything.” He growled when he spat into his hand and lubed his cock. “Prep yourself.” He ordered. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Levi spat. But he listened. He stuck two fingers into his mouth and swirled them around until they were coated. When he pulled them out, a trail of saliva followed. 

Eren smiled, slowly pumping his cock while he watched. 

_ Don’t look at me like that.  _

He did as he was told. Not that he had much choice. Eren pulled his pants right off and ran his hands over his bare thighs. It made him want to shiver. He was still hard. Impossibly hard. “I can see where your ODM gear has been…” Eren purred. “You’re so pretty.” 

Levi laughed, sticking his fingers back in his mouth for a moment. He twirled his tongue around them, making sure Eren could see. Everything. When he spread his legs, Eren’s mouth fell open. 

“That’s what I thought.” Levi sighed when he pushed one finger inside. “Call me pretty again and I’ll fucking kill you.” His eyes closed. He couldn’t watch him. 

He worked himself open, but soon realised it wasn’t enough. He probably wasn’t ready, but he said it anyway. “Put it in.” It almost sounded desperate. And Eren smiled. 

“Okay.” He towered over him and it stirred up emotions in Levi that he hadn’t felt for a long, long time. 

Then he was inside. And it burned in the best way possible. Searing right through him. He slapped his hand over his stomach when Eren bottomed out. 

“Ah!” But Eren moved his hand away and pressed gently on his stomach. He’d never seen him grin so wickedly. “I can feel myself.” He purred. That was it. 

Before long, Eren was consuming him. Taking and taking until there was nothing left. 

They mixed sweat and saliva. 

Their bodies moving perfectly in sync. 

He felt so full. 

“Don’t stop.” Levi ordered. Or pleaded. He wasn’t sure. 

And Eren licked a trail down his neck. “I never want to stop.”

He wrapped his legs around his waist, his arms around his neck. Holding him close, pulling him in as if he would disappear. 

_ So good…  _

He lost himself. Eren was kissing him and his cock was so big and he moved perfectly, even though Levi was almost certain he had never been with anyone before. 

Sweet words came pouring out. 

“I can feel you clenching around me.” Eren sighed into his mouth and Levi moaned, burying his face in his chest. 

“Embarrassing.” 

“You feel amazing.” Eren kissed and kissed and kissed and he was so deep. 

“Please… Please don’t stop.” 

Eren kissed his forehead. “I won’t.” 

His breathing was ragged, his body felt heavy on top of his. But he was gentle. That was one thing Levi would always remember from that night. He was so gentle. As if he would break at any moment. His strokes were slow and in perfect timing, hitting him in places he didn’t even know he had.

Levi tried to hide his face, bury himself in the pillows. Anything. But Eren moved him every time, so he was looking into emerald eyes. “Let me love you.” Eren breathed. 

Levi fell apart. 

He bared his soul to him. 

He couldn’t help it. 

He couldn’t stop it. 

He’d been trying for so long to hide. To stop it from happening. The guilt had consumed him. But he… he didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t care anymore. There were nine. And Eren was one of them, wasn’t he? 

But he couldn’t think about it because Eren was looking at him like he was something precious and he was smiling and he was everything to him in that moment. Months of pain and suffering, anxiety, and everything in between had built up into an explosion. 

He could feel it. Eren moved faster, still trying not to put too much pressure on him. But he pulled him down. It burned. It felt amazing. He wanted to be sick. 

He’d never been so sure of anything than he had in that moment. He wanted Eren. He wanted him always. He never wanted him to leave, and if he did, he wanted to follow him to the end. He’d follow him to his death. He would do anything. 

“You’re so perfect.” Eren pulled back, admiring him. Levi flushed down to his chest. 

“Don’t fuck with me.” He hissed when Eren bottomed out again, and again, and again. 

“I’m not.” He hummed. Stilling. 

_ Fuck.  _

Levi couldn’t stop himself from bucking his hips. Anything to get closer.

He could hardly catch his breath to speak. “You’re just saying that, idiot.” 

“No.” Eren smiled sweetly. “You’re incredible.”

Then he spilled all over his chest, and he was warm inside and out. 

Eren collapsed beside him, chasing his breath, chasing his orgasm. Levi didn’t realise until after the fact that tears were streaming down his cheeks. 

He was crying. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This chapter just came pouring out and I couldn't help but put it up now! Your comments make my day and encourage me to continue doing what I love. Thank you to Jade & Cyn for helping me and encouraging me. <3


	7. I miss you. But I'll erase you. It hurts less than to blame you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halfway to the ocean.

Levi wasn’t sure what happened after that. Time and days seemed to blur. The only thing that mattered were the nights he spent with Eren, and he knew right away, after the first night, that he’d gotten himself in too deep. He knew he shouldn’t have done it. He knew he should have let him in. But he bared his soul to him and he regretted it but loved it every single day. Eren would worship him. And he’d let him. Everyone smiled, thinking they were finally happy. But Levi felt sick every day, and he knew, he knew deep inside his chest that something bad was going to happen.

The only time he could push it out was when Eren was buried deep inside of him. Filling him so much that the only thing he could focus on was him.

He consumed him.

He devoured him. 

He took him apart until nothing was left but his aching heart.

A heart that ached for something. Something that he’d never be able to put his finger on.

Eren would stay inside of him, hitting that spot that made Levi shudder and grip the sheets and do anything he could to get closer to him. But he wouldn’t move. Levi could feel him throb inside of him. And while he remained still, he whispered sweet words into his ear that he would never be able to forget, divided up with sweet and gentle kisses that seared deep into his flesh.

“You’re my everything.” He’d say.

“You’re so incredible.” 

“I wouldn’t be here without you.”

“I couldn’t do this without you.”

Levi slept even less than he did before. Eren had seemingly limitless energy, and when Levi was with him, so did he. Sleep never mattered much anyway, but then it started to come even more few and far between with cum stained sheets and sweat covered bodies. Eren collapsed beside him, his chest rising and falling slowly. 

When Eren slept beside him was the only time he could relax because he could watch him. He could watch him and know he wouldn’t get up and run. But sometimes, sometimes his eyes would get heavy and he’d drift off for an hour, waking in a sweat and feeling like something was very wrong. He’d slip on his gear as quickly as he could and run outside. Stopping just in time to see Eren talking to Hange. 

He’d sigh a sigh of relief. He was still there. That was what mattered. 

“Morning, Captain.” Eren would smile.

“Morning. Could you send someone to grab me some tea? I think I might just fall asleep.”

“Of course.” Eren smiled. It wasn’t a job he should be doing. Not as the Coordinate. But he did it for Levi anyway, and he never complained.

“Maybe if you weren’t screwing around all night, you wouldn’t have dark circles, idiot.” Jean huffed when Eren came back with tea for everyone. 

“Shut up.” He said with a blank expression. “I was doing something important.”

“Oh, yeah?” Jean raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t realise fucking the commander counted as-“ And Levi kicked him right in the shin.

“Ow! Ow! I’m sorry, okay!”

He got to his feet and walked away. “Fuck. I didn’t realise he was right there.” 

And Armin laughed. “That’s what you get.” He whispered. “Leave them alone.”

“They’re happy.” Hange said when she trailed after them. “And as long as he’s with the captain, we know he won’t go anywhere.”

“True.” They all said in unison.

It became a habit, or perhaps a pastime.

He spent every night with Eren after that until they’d wiped out almost every single Titan that was wandering wall Maria. Nights blurred together, days didn’t seem as long anymore. Maybe he was happy? He didn’t know for sure. But what he knew was that the way Eren looked at him made him feel things he hadn’t felt for a very long time.

At first he felt guilty for it, but after months and months with Eren, after their phase of drinking away their sorrows, they moved onto laughing and joking together, Eren teasing Levi until he smacked him. Or Levi wound up Eren until he fucked him. To days spent training with new gear and new bodies to adjust to. Eren was getting bigger. Levi’s leg was healing very nicely. 

Nights that used to be filled with lust turned into nights filled with passion and love. But Levi never said a word. Never said anything to Eren that would even indicate he was falling in love with him. Or had he already?

_ I guess I don’t know. What is love? I don’t seem to remember anymore. _

“What are you thinking about?” Eren ran his hands through black silky hair while they caught their breaths. Levi ached, and he still felt so full. 

“How annoying you are.”

_ How much I need you. _

Eren smiled. “Really, do go on...”

“How you always come to my room without even asking.”

_ I wish you’d never leave. _

“I do apologise.” 

“How fucking sarcastic you can be.” He leaned into Eren's touch without thinking.

“Yeah, Jean hates that too.” 

“How you always drink all my tea and leave dirty cups everywhere… disgusting.”

“You like sharing, really.”

_ I wish I could share my entire being with you. _

“Basically, you’re a royal pain in my ass.” 

Then Eren kissed his forehead. “But you love me, anyway.”

And Levi froze. But before he could think, Eren slipped out of the bed and wrapped himself up in a white gown. “I’ll go get some clean sheets.”

Then he was gone.

When Eren returned, he made the bed up for them. “Lay down.” He said. And for some reason Levi listened. Eren disappeared into the bathroom and when he came back, he was holding pristine white towels and a wet washcloth. 

“Let me clean you up.” He said. 

Levi couldn’t say no. 

He closed his eyes and slowed his breathing when Eren gently cared to him, wiping away the sweat and cum, massaging his skin, stroking his fingers across his bare flesh. Making sure every inch of him was tended to. 

It felt so good, Levi would never be able to describe it. 

He didn’t sleep at all that night, at least that’s what he thought. He must have, though. But he felt exhausted when the sun was rising behind the clouds, and he instinctively reached out to feel the other side of the bed. It was cold.

Something felt incredibly wrong.

_ Please… _

Time had gone too fast, he hadn’t appreciated it enough. He hadn’t bathed in it enough. He knew something was wrong, he knew deep within his guts that something had happened and he felt like he was going to vomit. He threw on his black trousers and blazer before running outside. He didn’t have time to put his gear on. And when he heard panicked voices. 

He knew.

“Commander!” Armin was at his feet already. He was hesitating. 

_ Please… _

“Spit it out now. What’s his status?”

But Armin said nothing. Levi grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him close. “Where the hell is he?”

“We tried to go after him.” A tear escaped his eyes. “But he was too fast.”

_ No. _

“TELL ME.” Levi roared. “Where is he?”

“Halfway to the ocean.” Hange sighed, her head in her hands. 

“We couldn’t catch him.” Mikasa cried.

And Levi’s eyes glossed over. 

He sucked in a breath, but he couldn’t catch it. “He’s gone.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes my short thoughts about the time that wasn't covered in the manga. If enough people would like me to continue this, I will happily do so. But for now I feel like I got to a good stopping point. Thank you so much for reading. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments make my day.


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